


Blades Destruct, Words Heal

by Monpetitecherie



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: A whole lot of angst, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s05e17 Partridge, F/M, Hospital Trip, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warnings, based off of that ep, it wasn't successful tho don't worry y'all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26471587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monpetitecherie/pseuds/Monpetitecherie
Summary: “What? What do you want me to say?” his voice got louder, “‘Hey honey guess what? My sister thought it would be a great idea to tell you that I’m suicidal and I self-harm because I hate myself and my life and I want to die.’ Is that what you want me to say? Is it?”Leslie felt the blood drain from her face and her breathing came to a halt.
Relationships: Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt
Comments: 25
Kudos: 43





	1. Times He Wanted To End Himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's literally the title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! I've been binging Parks and Rec during quarantine and I stg Ben and Leslie are going to eND ME THey are so cute. Being a total sucker for angst, I decided to write this super sad and dark fic so please please read with caution! This is my first Parks and Rec fic; hopefully y'all will enjoy it. I put trigger warnings in the tags but I'm also gonna put them down below:
> 
> **Warnings - suicidal thoughts, self-harm, panic attacks (idk if that counts but I'm putting it in there)**

3:39 am 

_Listen you dumb bitch, if it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t be stuck in this fucking hell called life._

Benjamin “Ben” Wyatt sat next to his bedroom window, chin resting on his arms and eyes gaping at the navy world among him. 

_You’re just a failure. The people are right about you, you really are just a pathetic Ice Clown._

Warm breath fogged up the icy window. He’d been sitting there for about 5 hours; there’s not much to do when you’re grounded.

_The only thing you can do is fuck things up. You can’t do anything right you stupid fucking dipshit._

The thoughts wouldn’t leave him alone. It’s like a cartoon devil sat on your shoulder and whispered horrid things in your ears at any time of the day. Ben knew for a fact he wanted to end it all. The feelings had always been there, just not as bad as they were now. A fucked up childhood leads to fucked up things. 

Argh what was he saying? It’s not like he could do anything about it. Jumping off the roof was an option. Yet then again, he could end up breaking something and surviving. Maybe overdosing on pills. Ben was sure he still had some antidepressants lying around. An orange bottle lay empty on his desk…ugh. 

He could hang himself. 

Ben slowly lifted from his seat and knelt on the side of the bed. He pulled out a box from under, just a plain old shoebox. One would assume there were pictures or old memories. 

Instead, it was just a rope. 

A rope already tied into a noose. 

Trembling hands took the rope out from the box, delicately lying in his palms.

 _Is this really the way? Do I dare bother waiting any longer, hoping that something good will come my way?_ he thought. Something about the noose felt right; it was drawing him in. Tears welled in his eyes. Ben was unsure whether they were tears of joy, glad his hell was finally coming to an end, or sorrow, unhappy his life has gotten to this point. 

It’s upsetting that he knew this day would eventually come; he already prepared the way to go. This was so stupid. _He_ was being stupid, like always. Why did he have to feel this way? Why couldn’t he be normal like everyone else in this world? Why did he make the stupid decision to run for mayor? He could’ve avoided this situation. Why was he such a dumbass? Tears were violently spilling from his eyes at this point. Ben fell into his knees, sobbing into the rope. Why was he so unhappy? Why did he have these thoughts? Ben heard somebody’s footsteps approaching his bedroom door, soon a doorknob turning.

“Benji?”

His head shot up.

-

8:42 pm

Numbness.

That’s all he felt. 

His mind hadn’t fully registered the events that happened a couple hours ago. Sitting on the couch, he only had one thing on his mind: Leslie.

Strong, beautiful Leslie. Platinum locks and ocean blue eyes. His Leslie.

The feeling of letting her go was the worst Ben had felt in ages, yet he had to keep reminding himself it was for a good reason. Leslie had a wonderful opportunity to achieve her dreams and run for office, which she took and he was glad she did. The breakup was amicable, the feeling was mutual…but why did he feel this way? Why did he feel like someone stabbed him, or shot bullets through his heart? She’s the only one who made him feel good inside, made him feel like he belonged. 

She felt like home. 

A surge of sorrow suddenly released through him. Ben brought his knees to his chest and let out a great sob. Once he started, he could not stop; he didn’t have the strength in him. Bottling emotions itself was a tough job, but releasing the aftermath was on another level. He didn’t want to let her go. As selfish as the thought was, he loved her in ways he hadn’t loved anybody. All he wanted to do was hold her, kiss her, keep her close to his heart and never let go. 

But now she was gone.

Along with the tears, Ben started uncontrollably hyperventilating. He felt a violent urge ripple through his body and stumbled off the couch and into the kitchen. Ben eagerly dug through drawers and retrieved a pair of scissors. He collapsed on the floor and pulled up his sleeve. The side of the scissors made contact with his left forearm. The blade pierced through his delicate skin, exposing crimson red blood. Ben clenched his hand into a fist to withstand the pain as he added a few more cuts to his arm, a mass of scarlet dripping down onto his wrist. Dropping the stained scissors onto the floor, Ben clutched his arm, continuing to release heart-wrenching cries.

-

1:02 pm

“…FUCK.”

Ben parked his car on the side of the road, nothing but farmland for miles; the Indiana countryside was a safe place for him, his sweet escape. He pondered as to why the fuck those people wanted to see him again. Just the thought of going back made him boil with anger and fear. Anger because all they ever did is make his early years of adulthood a living hell. They taunted, ridiculed, and treated him like pure shit. Yes, he did deserve it, but then again he was a child who had no idea what he was doing. Out of nervous habit, Ben started biting on the skin around his nails and let out a huff. Fear because, what if they return to their old ways? What if this was just another way to tell him ‘fuck you’? What if this was the last straw for him and once he got home after the ceremony, he’d finally decide to do it? How would he explain to Leslie what happened? ‘Oh yeah honey everyone was being a dick so now I’m gonna go kill myself. Oh yeah and by the way I’m suicidal and I self-harm because I hate myself and my life and I want to die’? 

He sighed and leaned back into the driver’s seat, peeling off a small sliver of skin with his teeth. She didn’t know anything about his thoughts and he planned on keeping it that way. Ben didn’t want to plague her with distress and panic. Deep down, he wished he could release all his worries to her, finally be free from the invisible chains. 

But he chose against the thought. Besides, it was for her own good. 

“Oh Leslie, if only I could tell you…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading I hope you'll stick around for the rest of the fic! Kudos and comments are always welcome :)
> 
> **also not taking constructive criticism i'm sorry i swear i'm not a stuck up bitch - this fic is only for fun, i'm not trying to perfect my writing or anything**


	2. Partridge, Here We Come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Leslie make their way to Ben's hometown of Partridge, Minnesota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Thank you so much for your support on the first chapter, I cannot tell you guys how much it means to me :') 
> 
> Here's chapter 2 please enjoy!

9:56 am

“Please, Ben? Come on it’ll be fun!”

Leslie Knope spent all morning chasing her husband around the house trying to convince him to visit Partridge for a ceremony. Not just any ceremony, his ceremony. The citizens were finally making peace with Ben. Ben ran for mayor of Partridge and won, but ended up blowing all their money on a sports complex called Ice Town and got impeached two months later. They’ve been bitter to him ever since, calling him Ice Clown and whatnot. She shook her head and sighed. They should’ve made peace a long time ago instead of treating him like shit. 

“Honey, I love you, but no,” Ben insisted, leaning against the kitchen counter, “There’s no way I’m going back to that hell of a town.”

“But they’re rewarding you with a KEY to the CITY! That’s kind of a big deal considering they used to hate you.”

“Bold of you to assume they stopped hating me.”

Leslie smacked her palm to her head as she approached him. Why did he have to be so negative?

“Oh boy okay, how can I make you attend this ceremony? Can I bribe you? I’ll give you $50. Wait no, we can get calzones once we finish! I’ll even pinky promise on it, I swear I’ll pay for the calzones,” she suggested, sticking her pinky finger out. He chuckled and shook his head; she just **would not** give up. Leslie was the ultimate go-getter and would not let anything stop her from achieving her goals. It’s one of the reasons he fell head over heels for her. 

“Fine I’m giving in. I’ll attend this stupid service BUT only for you because I love you and I just can’t say no. Also we better be getting calzones,” he sighed as Leslie’s face lit up with glee.

“OH YAY THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU—” she chanted as she squeezed the living daylights out of him. 

“Yeah, yeah…” he mumbled; Ben would do anything for her, even if it meant reliving childhood trauma. 

“Oh my god okay we gotta start packing. How long are we staying? I think 2 days sounds good. I’m having an adrenaline rush right now I’m gonna go pack for the both of us cause I have to waste this energy ugh I’m so excited I love you so much let’s gOOOO!!” Leslie released her grip on Ben and ran into the bedroom, Ben observing her every move. An uneasy feeling stir in the pit of his stomach. 

-

7:48 am

“Are we there yet?”

“Babe, we just left the house 15 minutes ago what do you mean?” 

“Okay sorry. I’m just so excited for you. You’re making amends and receiving a key to your childhood city and we’re finally married and going on adventures together and I just,” Leslie sighed and leaned back in the passenger seat, “I’m happy. You make me happy,” she reached out and booped his cheek. 

Relief and elation rolled through his heart as she said those words; at least he was able to bring her joy. If only he could do the same for himself.

The trip to Minnesota was quite enjoyable, although it took about 11 hours. Vibrant greenery surrounded the freeway and the air was so fresh. Hardly any other cars accompanied theirs on the road. Leslie turned to look at Ben who was bopping his head along to a song on the radio. She giggled and continued to view some grazing cows. Escaping the Pawnee life together brought a sense of freedom to the couple; they could escape the relationships with their peers, government drama, all that jazz. The only thing in focus was each other.

-

6:07 pm

A forest green sign with white words: Welcome to PARTRIDGE, MINNESOTA - Pop: 9829

Fuck.

Ben fidgeted nervously on the steering wheel. His heart began beating a mile a minute and precipitation drenched his forehead. The vehicle pulled up into Ben’s sister, Stephanie’s, driveway. A sound asleep Leslie sat next to him. 

“Hon,” he whispered, gently shaking her shoulder, “we’re here.”

“Huh what? Oh. Oh yaaay,” she slurred. Ben and Leslie exited the car and approached Stephanie, who stood on the porch. 

“Benji!! It’s been so long,” exclaimed Stephanie, wrapping her arms around her brother, “How are you?”

“Hey Steph! I’m doing well how ‘bout you?” 

“Could be better. You must be Leslie! Ben told me a lot about you.”

“Oh, did he?” she smirked at him, “Well it’s nice to meet you, Stephanie. Ben has told me a lot about you, too!” Leslie shook hands with Stephanie. 

“Oh, please, come on inside I’ll help you guys get settled in. I prepared a guest room. Just try not to have sex cause I don’t wanna hear that.”

“ **Steph what the fuck**!” a flustered Ben blurted, causing the two women to laugh. Seeing Ben get all hotheaded and agitated was a funny sight; his face gets red, his voice goes up, and he’s just flat-out embarrassed. 

-

11:42 pm

Stephanie and Ben were holding a conversation at the dining table, steaming cups of hibiscus tea warming their hands. Leslie fell asleep hours ago, since she’d been up for 4 days straight. The only thing keeping her sane was sugar-filled coffee, but even her “invincible” concoction let her down at times. Ben took the opportunity to catch up with his sister and spend some quality time together. Partridge evenings were mellow, that’s one thing Ben missed about his childhood. He took a long sip of the sweet tea.

“So…have you been cutting again?” Stephanie quietly asked, not raising her eyes from her teacup. Hot liquid spewed out his nostrils and Ben choked.

“Oh shit sorry,” she apologized. He shook his head as his breath came back to him.

“It’s fine I’m fine,” Ben nervously laughed, “What? What did you just ask me?” 

“Have you been doing it? Slitting your wrists?” 

“I- nope never, uh, why would you ask me that?” Stephanie looked up and gave him a “you’re kidding me” look. Ben exhaled; he knew she couldn’t buy his bullshit. 

“Roll up your sleeves.”

“No. No. Nope. Nope. No. Nooooo,” he griped, protectively clutching his arms.

“Dude, quit acting stubborn and just roll up your sleeves or I’m going to do it for you.” 

With an angry huff, Ben rolled up his sleeves so just his wrists were exposed. Stephanie took his wrists in her hands and examined them closely. 

“You haven’t been cutting,” she stammered, the element of surprise present in her voice. Immediately, he pulled his wrists away, muttering a small “yup” and refusing to look her in the eye. Stephanie leaned back in her wooden chair, a small smirk plastered on her face.

“You are _such_ a liar. It’s your forearm isn’t it?” she sneered. Still refusing to look at her, his muscles tensed up.

“No it’s-it’s not my forearm,” Ben stuttered, peeking at his watch, “It’s getting late anyway, I should turn in.” 

“Okay wait let me say one thing and then you can go: Ben, I know you better than anyone and I know you haven’t stopped,” she paused, realization spreading across her face, “…does Leslie know about this?”

“No.”

“Your _wife_ doesn’t know about this? I thought you trusted her?” 

“I, of course I trust her! She’s the best thing to happen to me ever but I just…I can’t. I can’t. That was your one thing. I am now headed to bed, so goodnight. And thank you for the tea it was delicious” Ben replied and strode off into the guest bedroom. 

Before putting on his pajama shirt, Ben took a good look at his arms in the bathroom mirror. Scars scattered across, old and new. Scars caused by pain, anger, trauma, heartbreak. Only one scar remain on his left wrist and that was the first cut made before he spiraled; his right wrist was clean, free from any pain. He never wore short sleeves around his friends, with the exception of Andy and April, since he lived with them for a while. He explained the whole situation and made them promise not to tell anyone. Andy made a zipper and twisting a key motion on his lips, and April silently nodded. He expected them to say something to someone (the two are known for not being very good with secrets) but, alas, nothing. From time to time, the pair would privately check on him during work and make sure he wasn’t doing anything impulsively. Ben appreciated their kindness and concern. 

Fingers delicately traced each scar, and then ran up and down his arm to feel all of them at the same time; the sensation was a little weird. Ben eyed the knocked out Leslie then back to his scars. He didn’t know how much longer he could keep the charade up, everyone was bound to find out someday. 

Yeah, someday…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading this chapter! Kudos and comments are always welcome :)
> 
> Also idk if this is happening for you guys but my note from the first chapter is glitching onto this one and I have no idea how to take it down or anything so there's that haha


	3. Before You Go, There's Something You Ought to Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leslie discovers the secret Ben has been keeping from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Chapter 3 is ready to go. This is where shit starts to go downhill so prepare yourselves.

4:59 pm

“Benji, Mom stopped by and gave me a box of your shit a couple weeks ago. Look through it and take out what you want to keep otherwise I’m gonna throw it all away,” Stephanie commanded, as she shoved a small cardboard box full of trinkets in Ben’s hands. He huffed and trudged off to her bedroom. Today was Ben and Leslie’s last day in Partridge. Turns out Ben was right about the ceremony, it was just a big “fuck you” to him. Jokes on them, though, he never showed up because of kidney stones so…suck it Partridge. 

“Over the course of these 2 days, I assuming you guys are close,” Leslie proposed, as Stephanie sat down across from her at the dining room table.

“Not speaking on Ben’s behalf but yeah I believe so. Sure, there were times when we fought and hated each other but that’s normal for siblings.” Stephanie nodded. Ben strode in, carrying a shoebox.

“You can toss the other stuff away. I’m taking this,” he claimed, clutching the box in a protective stance. Her eyes widened and her breath stiffened; Stephanie knew what he was holding. Why would their mom even keep that box? Well, she didn’t know what was in there so it wasn’t her fault; she never bothered looking.

“Ben. No. Give me the box,” she implored. He glanced at his wife then to Stephanie, took his sister by the arm and led her into her bedroom. A confused Leslie watched this scenario go down. She patiently stayed seated for a couple minutes, in hopes they’d be out by then. 

Nope. Nothing.

Now this got serious. What was in the box that he didn’t want her to know about? She eyed the bedroom door; Leslie knew eavesdropping was a terrible thing. There was probably a good reason as to why they didn’t want her in on whatever they were discussing…ugh but she just couldn’t help herself. Giving into temptation, she quietly approached the door. Leslie pressed her ear against the cold wood to see what she could make out of the heated conversation. Their voices were barely above a whisper, kind of like the voice you use inside a library. Damn this door was thin she could hear everything going on.

“She _still_ doesn’t know? We discussed this about 2 days ago why haven’t you told her yet?”

Was he going to tell her something? Oh my god did he want to divorce her?

“I don’t want her to panic or anything.”

“She’s your wife, dumbass; she’s supposed to worry about you. And being your wife, she’s supposed to know **everything** about you!”

Okay, so it wasn’t divorce. Thank god. 

“I’ll just tell her when we get back or something.”

“You liar.”

“Dude, just let me keep the box! It’s not like I’m going to do anything with it.”

“There’s a fucking noose in that box what do you mean you’re not going to do anything with it??” 

A noose? Why would Ben have a noose? Leslie’s heart thumped faster in worry. 

“Steph. Please.”

“No! What would you do if Leslie found out?”

“…she won’t find out. I won’t let her.”

“Benji, yes she will! You need to tell her. You need to tell her everything.”

“What? What do you want me to say?” his voice got louder, “‘Hey honey guess what? My sister thought it would be a great idea to tell you that I’m suicidal and I self-harm because I hate myself and my life and I want to die.’ Is that what you want me to say? Is it?” 

Leslie felt the blood drain from her face and her breathing came to a halt.

She tuned out the rest of the conversation, for she heard enough. Leslie went back to her seat at the table, slightly trembling. Suicidal? He hates himself? Why didn’t he say anything to her? Does he not trust her? Suicidal? Her mind was troubled with thousands of questions. A few minutes later, they finally came out of the room, Stephanie clutching onto the box and Ben with an irritated look on his face. It was pretty clear who won this round.

“Uh, we should probably get going it’s starting to get late,” Ben informed.

“Quit using that as an excuse it’s gonna get old soon,” Stephanie suggested. The couple exchanged their goodbyes with Stephanie and thanked her for her hospitality. Finally, the two set off on the road. 

-

5:32 pm

The first few minutes were awkwardly silent but then Ben decided to speak.

“So how’d you like Stephanie?”

“Oh she’s awesome I loved her!” Leslie responded, a tad on the eager side.

“Yeah but she can be such a dick at times,” he muttered under his breath.

“What?”

“WhAT?” 

Uncomfortable silence filled the void once again. Multiple times throughout the drive, they opened their mouths to say something but then didn’t. This is the most awkward they’ve been with each other since, well, ever. 

_Why doesn’t he wanna talk? Did he lie to Stephanie when he said he would tell me? Well she did call him a liar so there’s that_ , thought Leslie. His words still echoed in her head:

_‘I’m suicidal and I self-harm because I hate myself and my life and I want to die’_

She leaned her forehead onto the glass window and stared at the world around her. Lush trees and humble homes, a beautiful sunset turning the world different shades of oranges and pinks. Life was so beautiful, why did he want to end it? Leslie studied his expression. Even though he was examining the road, you could tell something was bothering him; his eyes seemed troubled, he was frowning. 

“Are you gonna be okay?”

“What do you mean?” His eyes widened in fear.

“With driving this late?” 

“Oh! Oh yeah I’ll be fine. You should probably get some sleep, though.”

“Since when do I, Leslie Knope, Queen of All-Nighters, ever sleep?”

“Although true, you do seem a little tired.”

“Nonsense. Watch me stay up the entire way back.” 

She almost made it but an hour before arrival, Miss “Queen of All-Nighters” drifted off to la-la land. The soft rattling of the car on the gravel road lulled her to sleep… 

~

_“Hello?”_

_Suddenly a spotlight._

_A book stood on a pedestal._

_Out of confusion, Leslie approached it. The book was simply titled “Reasons”. Flipping through the pages, the only sentences were ‘You’re the reason he wants to die.’_

_“Okay yeah nope. Nope that’s-that’s really stupid. Leslie, you don’t know what you’re talking about!” she declared, slamming the book shut. Of course she was talking to herself, this was her dream after all._

_“Is it though?” a voice called out._

_“What?” Leslie was still puzzled. A shadowy figure formed from the ground, facing her._

_“Is it stupid? Or is it just…the truth?”_

_"I, well, it’s obviously stupid. Ben is my husband and he loves me, why would I be the reason he wants to commit suicide?”_

_“If you’re not the reason, then why hasn’t he told you anything?”_

_“I…I don’t know…” Leslie looked at her pumps, ashamedly. The voice (which was probably her thoughts) was right. If she wasn’t the reason, then why was he being so secretive at the house? Was she the reason he hated himself? Leslie, stop being self-centered. …but what if she is the reason?_

_The shadow swirled around her figure. More shadowy people formed the same way the first one did and started to swirl around her, echoing back questions and fears: does he actually love you? Why doesn’t he want you to find the box? He could’ve been with anyone else. How could you not have noticed his inner feelings this entire time? That makes you a pretty shit partner, huh?. God you can’t even understand him! You’re making his life a living hell…_

_Leslie tried not to let their hurtful words dig under her skin, but this was her subconscious mind and all these thoughts belonged to her. Not like it actually worked, but Leslie covered her ears, shut her eyes tight, and fell on her knees. If she couldn’t see or hear them, then maybe they’d go away._

_Nope. If anything, the thoughts got louder until suddenly Leslie broke._

_“STOP! STOP! NONE OF IT IS TRUE STOP!” she screeched, not able to withstand this living nightmare any longer. The shadows flew closer to her huddled figure._

_Closer._

_And closer._

_And closer._

_Eventually enveloping her in eternal darkness._

_“STOOOOOOOOP!!” she shrieked at the top of her lungs._

~ 

“Leslie!” 

Her eyes shot open and got a grip on her surroundings. The car was parked in the driveway of their home. They made it home. She turned to look at Ben, who had an alarmed look on his face.

“Holy shit, honey are you okay? You kept screaming in your sleep.” 

“I…” Leslie tried to speak but no words came out. Looking into his eyes made her uneasy, a feeling she never thought she’d have. Her breathing got rapider and tears formed in her eyes. 

They’re home. They’re home. 

A panic attack was coming on; she could sense it. 

They’re home. They’re home.

A cry escaped from her lips as she stumbled out of the car and dashed into the house, only one destination in mind: the bathroom. Collapsing on the tile, trembling hands locked the door. The world around her was spinning. Quivering sobs took over her body and hyperventilation caused her hands to go numb. Leslie held her trembling figure and brought her knees to her chest. She felt as if she was about to puke.

The doorknob jiggled then came a series of rapid knocks.

“Leslie?? Leslie?? Honey are you okay you’re starting to concern me,” Ben asked worriedly. Leslie looked up at the door, which was a blob of white due to her tears. She opened her mouth to respond but more sobs came out. Ben lightly knocked to get her attention.

“Okay, if you can, follow my voice,” he instructed her from the other side, “Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale…”

As difficult as it was, Leslie managed to calm herself. Piercing sobs were replaced with small whimpers. 

“Come out whenever you feel ready. I’ll be in the living room if you need me,” his voice soothed. Leslie leaned against the door, huddling closer into herself.

Inhale. Exhale.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are always welcome :)
> 
> Also I figured out how to get rid of the note lol


	4. And It All Came Crashing Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben reveals his past to Leslie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi y'all. Chapter 4 is ready to go. I have some more information at the end notes so y'all can check that out if you want. Also not sure how accurate most of the stuff in this fic is lmao but it is canon divergence, so ye...hope you enjoy!

4:29 am

Ben silently ate an apple on the couch. Random, but it was the only thing he could hold down at that moment. 10 minutes had passed and Leslie still wasn’t out of her hiding place. Concerning, but he was willing to wait for her. Just as long as she’s okay. 

A door squeaked open and out came Leslie, who plopped down on the couch beside him. Her eyes were red and puffy, cheeks pink and tearstained.

“Are you okay?” he asked for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. She nodded her head, swiping at any stray tears remaining from her breakdown. 

“Why?” Her throat was raw from all the crying and her voice was raspy.

“Why what?” He took another bite of apple.

“Why didn’t you tell me you have suicidal thoughts?” her voice still shaking. The question caught him by surprise and he started coughing on his apple. Man he really needed to stop choking on things.

“I-How did you find out?”

“I may or may not have eavesdropped on you and Stephanie but that’s not important right now. I just want to know: what’s going on with you? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, Leslie I haven’t told anyone. Well actually April and Andy knew but-”

“They knew before I did??” she asked; now she was deeply hurt. Ben realized what he said and internally cursed himself. 

“Leslie, please. Just give me a chance to explain.”

“…okay.”

Ben took a deep breath.

“Obviously starting at the very beginning, these feelings came to me when I was about 12. That was the age when I fully understood what was going on with my parents. Why Henry, Steph, and I were dropped off at one of my parents’ homes every other week. It was a nightmare; they hated each other with a burning passion. The two of them were at each other’s throats way too often to realize the mental shit they were doing to their children. The next few years I felt invisible in Partridge; I just…existed. Like, I dunno, imagine you’re at a park and there’s this boulder just sitting there. You look at it, go ‘oh neat a boulder’, and then move on. That’s how I felt. I felt like a nothing, Leslie. I mean, I saw a therapist but it’s not like it helped. Then age 18 I thought ‘hey maybe becoming mayor would prove me, I guess, worthy of being alive’. We all saw how that went, though. I’m pretty certain those were the worst years of my life. Their torments only drove me from suicide ideation to actually attempting. The only reason my sister freaked out about what was in the box is because…she caught me trying to hang myself one night. I kept a noose in that box, just in case the time _finally_ came,” Ben continued, tears visible in his eyes.

Leslie’s eyes widened, as she watched him fiddle with the apple core.

“Ben I had no idea…” Well she knew about the noose, everything else was new information.

“It’s fine, no one knew. Not even my parents realized how fucked up I was,” he admitted, his fingers tracing the scar on his wrist, “19 was the first time I harmed. Something about the feeling of cutting felt so _right_ to me. It was like I actually deserved all the pain it caused me.”

“I’m sorry,” Leslie didn’t know what to say. This was a ton of information to register in her brain. She had a bunch of questions but didn’t know how to ask them without somehow triggering him or making the question sound too bold. Ben bit his lip to prevent himself from breaking down, but tears were streaming down his face.

“So…is this why you never wore short sleeves around me or anyone else? Even during summer?”

He nodded and took in a shaky breath. Even during the hottest days, Ben never wore short sleeves. Leslie would always ask why but he brushed it off with some lame excuse like ‘I don’t want to burn’.

“And the scar on your wrist, that wasn’t from a biking accident?”

“Nope,” he responded, popping the ‘p’. Leslie remembered that day. The two of them were chatting away a storm in Leslie’s office. Her hand knocked over a pencil that lay on her desk and Ben bent down to pick it up. As he was handing it to her, his sleeve exposed the old scar on his wrist. She asked what happened and he lied and explained how he was riding his bike a while ago and lost control, then he flew off and cut his wrist.

That was the only scar of his she saw until now.

Things were silent for a while then Leslie dared to ask: “Can you show me?”

Ben hurriedly wiped his tears, then arose from the couch and left the room. Hopefully she wasn’t too bold when addressing the question. Moments later, Ben returned.

He was wearing short sleeves. 

Ben sat back down on the couch, facing her.

“Listen I know this looks weird but-” he started speaking but Leslie didn’t let him finish. She took his right arm in her hands and ran her fingers down his scars, a feeling that sent a chill down his spine. There were so many; each one told a story. Some created X’s, others were parallel, it was noticeable which ones ran deep and which ones were new. A solemn look on her face, she lightly peppered kisses on each of his scars, every single one on both arms. Leslie made her way from his shoulders to his wrists.

“Look, the only reason Andy and April were the first ones to learn about this is because I lived with them for a while. Just in case I spiraled one day, they’d know what was going on,” he continued, “I swear this wasn’t meant to hurt you in any way. You know I don’t like expressing my emotions to people and I promise I would’ve eventually said something to everyone.”

“I understand,” she said, kissing his wrists, “but that doesn’t mean you can’t not trust me with your emotions. We made a commitment to each other for a reason. I just want to know…why didn’t you want me to find out?”

Ben opened his mouth but no words came out. Why didn’t he want her to find out? Ben had absolutely no idea. There was no reason as to why he shouldn’t have told her. She was his wife, he trusted her with all his heart…why didn’t he want her to know? 

He didn’t know what to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys! Kudos and comments are always welcome :)
> 
> So just to clear things up Leslie has never seen Ben's arms until now. She's only seen the scar on his left wrist, which he lied about how he got it. 
> 
> UNWANTED MATH DOWN BELOW:
> 
> So there are two ways I calculated how old Ben was when his parents divorced.
> 
> 1\. Ben's Parents aired in 2012, assuming that's the year the show takes place. Ben says they got divorced 30 years ago. Subtract 2012 by 30. 2012-30=1982. Ben was born in 1974 and you subtract 1982 by 1974 and you get 8. Boom.
> 
> 2\. Take 2012 and subtract from the year Ben was born. 2012-1974=38. Subtract 38 by 30 and you get 8 again. Boom. 
> 
> I wanted him to be 12 because I felt like that was an age where you're starting to understand the world around you but you're still kinda young, ya dig?
> 
> Okie that concludes my note. Feel free to leave questions, I'll try my best to respond to them.


	5. Confidant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leslie confides in Ann about the whole situation, while Ben contemplates his destructive habits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys we're almost done!! I hope you enjoy Chapter 5, I will be posting Ch 6 as well so...please enjoy!

9:13 am

*0 new messages*

Leslie tapped her foot under the booth at JJ’s Diner. She messaged Ann 10 minutes ago to meet with her here ASAP. The restaurant door opened and it was her sweet, loyal golden retriever. Ann met her eyes and walked over to the booth, sitting across from her.

“Hey, I got your message. Is everything okay?”

“No, Ann, it’s not. Everything is horrible and awful and the world sucks right now.”

“What happened?” All the years she’s known Leslie, there were only few times she acted like this. Something was obviously up.

“It’s about Ben. He has suicidal thoughts and harms himself.” This caught Ann off guard; she didn’t expect something as bold and devastating as that.

“Oh my god, Leslie, I am so sorry. How long has he been like this?”

“Since he was 12,” she groaned and buried her face in her hands. A waiter approached their table.

“Can I take your order?” he politely asked.

“Give me 5 of the most warm, delicious, perfectly golden waffles you have. Extra whipped cream.” During these stressful moments, all Leslie needed was a nice hot plate of JJ’s waffles, her favorite.  
“And for you?” he asked Ann.

“Uh I’ll just take a coffee. Thanks,” she replied and handed their menus to him as he left.

“Ugh I don’t know what to do. I mean, we already had a long conversation about it a day ago but my gut feeling is still telling me something is wrong. I feel so helpless, and I don’t even know why he didn’t tell me in the first place!” 

“Wait he never told you? Then how’d you find out?”

“Kind of a long story but I eavesdropped on him and his sister in Partridge.”

“Ah I see. That’s odd that he hasn’t told you, though.”

“I KNOW! When I asked him, he looked straight into my eyes and didn’t say anything. Also, get this: he told Andy and April before he told me. Then again the reason was pretty solid it made sense, but,” Leslie exhaled, “I don’t know.”

“This really fucking sucks, Leslie, I’m so sorry.” Ann genuinely meant it; it was upsetting to see her best friend like this. 

“Ugh it’s fine I’m just very anxious right now. Everything seems so gloomy.”

“Why did he tell them before you?”

“Cause he was living with them for a while and in case he started cutting himself, they wouldn’t question it.”

“Oh that makes sense. Well-” Ann started to speak but the waiter interrupted her. He returned with a heaping pile of waffles and a steaming cup of black coffee. Leslie immediately dug in; this was her comfort food. It made any situation a little less worse than it originally was.

“Do you think he stopped trusting me? Do you think he doesn’t love me anymore?” she asked Ann through a mouthful of waffle. Ann slammed her hands on the table.

“Leslie Barbara Knope that is bullshit of course he loves you!”

“Then why do you think he didn’t tell me?”

Ann had to ponder on it for a minute. Ben not telling her was odd because, well at least from what she’s witnessed, he really seemed to be head over heels in love with her. In addition to what she’s witnessed, Ben is extremely negative and pessimistic. 

“If I had the answer, I’d tell you but I’m not sure. Maybe he’s being insecure?”

“Yeah maybe,” Leslie sighed and continued to chow down on her waffles. 

-

Ben could not stop staring at his arms; he **never** paid this much attention to them. God, were they ugly. He’s the one that caused them to get in this condition, though. Ben was stuck in a loop called a “vicious cycle”. Looking at his scar-covered arms made him hate himself, and the self-hatred brought an urge to harm. There was no escaping it. A never-ending vicious cycle. Did Leslie hate his arms as much as he did? She seemed to be fascinated by all the scars. Maybe she was lying and thought his arms were just as gross as he did. 

_Why didn’t you tell her until a day ago? Now she thinks you don’t trust her, dumbass,_ he thought. God can his mind just shut the fuck up for once? Ben got up off the bedroom floor and pulled on his checkered shirt as he got ready for work. 

_Why did you tell her? You probably frightened her. She doesn’t want to be seen with someone as disgusting as you._ Okay could he be any more indecisive? Telling her was a bad idea and not telling her was a bad idea; there was just no winning at this! He shuffled to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face. Maybe that’ll at least break him from his weird trance.

_So how long do you think this marriage is gonna last now? Like maybe two days? You’d be lucky if it even lasted one day, Wyatt, you’d be lucky. Might as well just end it now, try to avoid the confrontation and the pain. How do you think she’d react to finding you dead? Relieved because she wouldn’t have to spend another second looking at your dumb face and dealing with your uptight, stoic, pain-in-the-ass personality? Right now would have been the ideal time to put that noose to work, wouldn’t it? You know what? Just admit it: Leslie doesn’t love you. She never wanted to marry you; it was all forced emotions. We’ve gone over this multiple times: SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU, YOU FREAK._

Next thing, he found himself on the bathroom tile, slitting at his right wrist with a razor blade he retrieved from the shelf. 

-

“Ben are you here? I just got back from JJ’s and I’m heading down to the office; I forgot something and noticed your car was still in the driveway.”

Leslie entered their cozy home, but there was an odd, suspicious feeling in the air; things were a little too quiet, a little too suspicious. Leslie checked every room in search of Ben.  
“Honey?”

She found him in the bedroom on the floor, slicing at his right wrist, a mass of red in his skin’s place. Her eyes widened as she rushed to his side, trying to yank the razor from his death grip. 

“OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD BEN! BEN STOP! BEN! BEN—”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are always welcome :)


	6. Under Wraps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Leslie have a heartfelt chat in the hospital room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We made it y'all!! Chapter 6, the final chapter, is ready to go. Thank you guys for sticking it out this far I hope you enjoyed the fic!

10:01 am

Ann delicately wrapped a bandage around Ben’s wrist and secured it. 

“Um, listen,” she started, “I’m not trying to add myself into this or anything but I’d really suggest seeking help. Maybe seeing a psychiatrist or talking to someone you trust.”

“Thanks Ann,” he muttered quietly, refusing to look her in the eye. She silently nodded and made her way out the room, leaving him alone. Leslie left an hour ago to, in her words, “complete a secret mission”. That secret mission was probably running far, far away from him so she didn’t have to deal with his bullshit anymore. Guilt sat in the pit of his stomach. He caused Leslie panic and distress, which was the **one** thing he didn’t want, their trust in each other was probably gone now she can’t trust him with anything anymore, and on top of all that he flew out of control again which added more scars. More scars meant lesser chances of escaping this vicious cycle. He heard doorsteps coming toward his room. Naturally, he assumed it was a nurse.

“Uh I’ve already been tended to, so-”

To his delight, it was Leslie! She stood in the doorway carrying a take-out bag from JJ’s, a sad smile on her face.

“Hey,” he exclaimed.

“Hi,” she quietly responded and came inside, closing the door behind her. She approached the bed, which he was sitting on, and set the bag down on the table. 

“Leslie I am so… sorry about all of this,” his voice cracked and Ben couldn’t bottle his emotions any longer, “I’m so sorry I never told you anything.” Ben clasped his hand over his mouth and muffled his weeping.

“Woah, hey! No no no it’s okay!” Leslie assured.

“I’m so sorry. I p-promise I trust you, I didn’t want to c-cause you any p-panic or dread or anything like that. I wasn’t certain how y-you’d react to all of this. I-I didn’t know if you were m-maybe going to leave me and-and I’m so sorry…I’m so sorry…” Tears aggressively flowed down his face.

“No…”

“I’m sorry. I’m such a monster. _G-God,_ I slit my fucking wrists and arms how much more pathetic c-can I get? I—” Ben was full on sobbing he couldn’t even complete his sentence. He was starting to get lightheaded, too. 

Leslie immediately scooped Ben in her arms. Her heart sank; it troubled her to see him in this state. He buried his head in the crook of her neck while she rubbed his back and whispered sweet nothings in his ear. 

“Ben,” she took his face in his hands and wiped his tears away with her thumbs, “you are **not** pathetic and you most certainly are **not** a monster. You’re so wonderful, Ben. You sacrificed your job for mine just to save our relationship, you supported me when I ran for office and never even wrote a concession speech because you believed I’d win, you turned down a job in Florida so we can finally be together, you even punched a guy cause he called me a bitch. I always feel like there are fireworks exploding inside of me when I’m with you. I mean, there’s always fireworks exploding inside of me but these are different. It’s like I’m floating on cloud 9. No. Cloud 20. You make me feel like I’m floating on cloud 20, Ben. I swear on literally everything that I’d never leave you. Ever. You have no idea how much you mean to me. These aren’t the healthiest coping mechanisms and it’s going to take time to break from them but you got this. You’re Ben Wyatt for god’s sake! You are an amazing, strong, brilliant, handsome man whom I am lucky to call my husband.”

She brought his face to hers and their lips interlocked in a soft, tender kiss. A kiss softer than marshmallow fluff, gentler than the sun’s rays. The world around them melted away, for the only thing in focus was each other. If only humans didn’t have to come up for air, the kiss would’ve lasted forever. Lips parting and huffing out of breath, their foreheads connected. Leslie looked into his chocolate eyes; they were red and puffy from all the crying. As another reassurance, she gently kissed his forehead. 

“Oh I almost forgot!” Leslie realized. She took out the white Styrofoam box from the plastic bag and pushed it in front of him. Ben expected to see the gridded breakfast food doused in mounds of whipped cream, but surprisingly, there were freshly baked pizza pockets. He giggled and wiped his tears away. He just couldn’t help it! There were calzones!

“I realized I never kept my promise when we came back from Partridge so I’m making up for it,” she shyly informed. Ben looked at the calzones then back at Leslie. Tears of joy formed in his eyes and he bit his lip to prevent him from crying all over again. He couldn’t believe she remembered. He had to give her some credit, though; Leslie Knope **never** broke a promise. Leslie truly was an amazing specimen. She was passionate, genuine, sincere, kind-hearted, strong, ambitious—the list could go on! No matter what his mind forced him to believe, she genuinely loved him. 

She really was his soulmate.

“Thank you,” he whispered and they smooshed into another hug. Leslie buried her head in the crook of his neck and Ben squeezed her body closer to him. Achieving a better state of mind would take months, maybe even years. He knew he could do it, though. Sure, his arms may never be silky smooth perfect, those marks staying there for the rest of eternity. 

But it was alright.

It would remind him of a time when he was lost, alone in the dark. 

A time when he was destructive of his own life.

A time of learning to open up to those he loves, trusts, and adores with all his heart.

A time of discovering that although the blades destructed, her words healed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks much for reading! Kudos and comments are always welcome :)
> 
> Guys, thank you for all your support it really means a lot to me. I hope you enjoyed the story, let me know if you guys are interested in more Parks and Rec fics. Thank you all again!


	7. UPDATE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have an announcement y'all

Hey guys!

I'm gonna keep this short but there is now a sequel to this fic! It's a bunch of one-shots on Ben's recovery haha. 

Here's the link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27582071/chapters/67471928

\- monpetitecherie


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